


Bye My First (Love Is A Bit Difficult)

by honeycheonsa (orphan_account)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Breakup, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Jisung is existential, LMAO THERES A TRAINS TAG, M/M, Meet-Cute, Trains
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:07:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22582270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/honeycheonsa
Summary: They haven't been talking as much as they used to.But Chenle is still by his side.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Kudos: 20





	1. They Say The World Becomes Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not extremely happy with this fic but alas.  
> do leave some comments or yell at/with me on twitter (@dreamscng) if you've got anything to say about this! this is my second full piece of writing ever so i would love some constructive criticism :)

The first time Jisung talks to Chenle is on the brink of December, spring still lingering in the grey bleak sky and bright foliage. It’s raining outside and the train is rattling gently with the sound of rolling wheels on warm, wet steel.

The platinum-haired boy is a year older than him, he’ll soon discover, and will be trading his private school blazer and class captain badge for a mathematics degree at a university in the city next year, if he gets a scholarship. 

“Or not,” he continues, “if I make it in without one that’s okay too.”

Jisung nods, and hands the boy an earbud when he asks what he’s listening to. 

He finds that Jisung’s playlist is a mixture of dance-pop and Korean RnB, some artists he’s familiar with and some that he’s not. He recognises an upbeat song by NCT 127, a K-pop group he likes too. Laughs and says Mark when Jisung asks who his bias is. 

The two schoolboys stay like this for the remainder of the ride, savouring the melodies and beats that put them in a world of their own, and the older boy breaking the silence every now and then to ask for the names of songs or artists or albums. 

A song by Taeyeon just comes to an end when the train reaches the boy’s station. Jisung can see tall stone walls and majestic front gate outside of the window, only slightly obscured by the sprawl of mansions and conifers that makes up the upper-class suburb the boy’s school is built in. 

He gives him back the one earbud, slings his schoolbag back onto his shoulders and waves goodbye, smiling widely when Jisung wishes him good luck on his scholarship. 

Jisung wonders what it was that made his curiosity get the better of him this time. The boy on the train had been a constant in his life for about a year now, and every morning on the way to school he would board the same carriage, knowing the pretty private school boy with cloud-coloured hair would be there too. 

He thinks maybe it’s fate that drove him, or maybe it’s the fact that it was a little more crowded today and the seat next to him was one of the only ones left. 

He wonders if he knew that, and purposely sat where he did and not next to the other businessmen hoping to be able to talk to Jisung, just like how Jisung was always hoping for an opportunity to talk to him. 

He wonders why he didn’t approach him earlier, why they saw each other every morning, every day, and were still as good as strangers, like two lines on a train track. 

The automated doors slide apart and the boy gives one last smile before stepping out of the carriage into the crowd of lives hidden away in briefcases and overcoats. It’s the last day of term, and the last time Jisung thinks he’ll see him. 

When the train starts up again and picks up its pace, Jisung finds himself craning his neck to search for one last glimpse of that platinum blonde head, only turning back around in his seat once the sight of the station is well and truly gone. 

When he reaches his own stop, a few stations further into a slightly less polished part of town, he realises he didn’t even ask for the boy’s name. 

It’s a year later when the two meet again.

When Jisung sends in his own college application the next spring, he doesn’t give a second thought at the fact that he’s trying for the same school as the pretty boy on the train all those months ago. In fact, it’s not until he sees a familiar face amongst the crowd of university students at Open Day that he starts to think, maybe he wasn’t buried as far back in his memory as he thought he was. 

He’s about to turn and leave, when the two make eye contact and the boy smiles and waves. 

They walk towards each other, grinning, and awkwardly greet each other when they meet in the middle. It’s clumsy, this interaction is, but comfortable, and Jisung is glad to have any sort of companion today, having come here alone. 

“Hi! I’m Chenle,” the boy says, his voice sounding slightly deeper than Jisung remembers. 

He doesn’t look all that different from how he did when they saw each other for the last time, a year prior, except his hair is now strawberry blonde instead of platinum, and he has a few piercings scattered along his ears. Of course, he’s not wearing his high school uniform anymore, and is dressed in black jeans and a sweater. It’s not that much of a difference, but it still throws Jisung off to see him without his blazer and tie. 

“Hey, I’m Jisung. I’m surprised you remember me!” he replies with a smile equally bright.

“How could I not? I saw you everyday. So you’re applying for this school?”

“Yeah! I looked around and this one seems to have the best dance program, so that’s why.”

“Not because I told you I’d be coming here?” Chenle winks, and Jisung is speechless. 

“I-, I mean no I-,” he stammers.

Chenle bursts out laughing. “I’m kidding! Our dance program really is good. My friend Sicheng is majoring in ballet here and he never shuts up about how good his teachers are.”

Jisung relaxes, and replies, “Dong Sicheng? I think I passed by him practising in one of the studios back there. His style is so pretty,”

“Right? I have another friend, Ten, who’s a dance major too and he’s really good at acrobatics. One day I’ll get him to show you how high he can jump, it’s ridiculous.”

What Jisung finds ridiculous is how easy he finds conversing with Chenle, how comfortable he feels already. How this is only the first time they’ve talked properly but Jisung so desperately wants it to last a little longer. Which is why he says, “Have you had lunch?”

“Ah, no not yet actually,” Chenle says back with a knowing twinkle in his eyes. He knows, Jisung says to himself.

“Would you like to have lunch together, then?” Jisung tries to sound as far from shy as he possibly can. “Only if you’ve got time, though,” he adds quickly, out of politeness and out of fear that Chenle doesn’t have a good enough excuse to reject him.

“I’d love to! There’s this place I go to that has the best dumplings.” Chenle says, excitedly.

“Let’s go then.” 

Chenle beams.

The place Chenle is talking about is a little Shanghai restaurant just outside campus. Jisung learns that Chenle was born in Shanghai and lived there until he was twelve, and that the dumplings remind him of home. He’s…pleasantly surprised to hear that he reminds Chenle of home too, until he tells him, “My ex-girlfriend, specifically. If you can call it that. I was five and she was six and she looked just a little like you.”

Jisung is lost for words. 

“I’m sorry, does that sound weird?”

“…yes.”

“Oh.”

There’s a moment of silence before the two both start cracking up and laughing uncontrollably. It’s the absurdity, mixed with pure nervousness that puts them both in a state of absolute, unadulterated amusement. 

Jisung can’t remember the last time he laughed this hard. With a stranger, too. With a stranger, especially. It’s not until the dumplings arrive that they stop giggling and pick up their chopsticks to eat. Chenle has this look of adoration in his eyes that makes Jisung want to cry from endearment. He wishes he could feel so strongly for an item of food. 

But when he bites into the dumplings, he understands. Chenle watches as his eyes widen when he sinks his teeth into the soft, fluffy dumplings and smiles brightly when they make eye contact. Jisung doesn’t have to speak for him to know he feels the same way, and so he puts his hand up to ask the waitress for another serving. 

Upon that second encounter, Jisung makes sure to ask for Chenle’s number. Again, he’s shocked at himself for having been the one to ask, but he’s determined to keep it up if it means being able to see his funny senior again. 

He’s practised himself to death, so when auditions come around and the judging panel expresses their approval through a poker-faced “thank you” and acceptance letter that takes forty days of sleepless nights to deliver, he feels like he’s about to burst from tiredness and fulfilment simultaneously. The eight universities from around the country that his mother insisted he apply for all do the same, but he’s already made up his mind, and texts Chenle a simple, “see u in school next year:)” before throwing himself face-down onto his bed in excitement. 

It’s summer by the time he musters up the courage to ask Chenle out, about a month after the Open Day. After finishing school he hasn’t done much but dance on his own, moving freely knowing that he’s already been accepted and now he can do whatever he wants. Since he’s a regular, the auntie at the front desk lets him use the studios for as long as he wants to, and for cheap, so Jisung (and his mum) reckon he’s been outside, dancing, more than he’s been at home.

Chenle suggests a picnic by the river this time, and Jisung couldn’t be happier. His older brother Jaemin munches on an biscuit as he watches Jisung pack grapes, paper utensils and tissues in a wicker basket from his bar stool in the kitchen. “I don’t know, Sungie, a picnic by the river? Sounds like a date to me.”

Jisung turns around and glares at his hyung. “So what if it’s a date? You’re just jealous,” he snarls fake-viciously, looking down to hide the smile and flush that are rapidly spreading. 

“Who said I wasn’t, Sungie, who said I wasn’t,” Jaemin pretends to lament, hopping down and walking over to steal a grape from his brother’s basket.

“Anyway, Jeno’s outside waiting for me. Have fun on your date today! And tell me about it afterwards,” he says, and as if on cue, the doorbell rings. 

Jisung waves to his brother’s boyfriend when he peeks his head around the door to say hi, and returns to his packing when they leave, hearing a muffled “Ah, our Jisungie’s growing up,” from outside. 

The ‘date’ goes wonderfully, as expected. Chenle has made and brought his own dumplings this time, and they’re even better than the ones at the restaurant. When Jisung tells him this, he blushes furiously and smiles so brightly he rivals the sun. 

They’re on a picnic blanket, under the cool shade of a tall tree. The weather has decided to be lenient on them today, and unlike the usual sweltering heat of the summer, it’s only pleasantly warm today. Flowers and grass are still in full bloom, and from where they’re sitting they’ve got a perfect view of the river. 

Jisung wishes they could stay like this forever, just the two of them, without a care in the world. He wonders if Chenle feels the same. 

He looks over at Chenle, expecting him to be staring at the sunlight that paints the ripples of water in golden streaks too, as was he a minute ago. Instead, he’s staring straight back at him, with a strange look in his eye. 

He asks Jisung to be his boyfriend on the train home. 

Jisung nods and smiles. 

When Chenle reaches his stop, he squeezes his hand before he leaves. 

And Jisung feels himself go warm in a way that has nothing to do with the weather.

They go out a few more times that summer, and Jisung lets himself get used to falling asleep during phone calls late at night and holding Chenle’s hand under tables. Lets himself come to terms with the fact that they’ve been dating for a month or two but Chenle has already so easily made himself at home in Jisung’s heart.

He thinks he’s in love. 

It’s still hot out when Jisung starts school. The carefree nature of his summer break has seemed to have disappeared now, and the only think he can think of is how maybe he didn’t practise as much as he could have, and how the teachers might be scary and get mad at him for it. 

As much as he’s nervous, though, he’s equally excited. The mystery of a new beginning terrifies him in a way that makes his heart race and blood rush. He loves it. He’s excited to be challenged by whatever choreography he’ll need to master, and excited to be part of something completely foreign to him. Maybe a little more, though, he’s excited to be doing it with his boyfriend around. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to back out and go to science school with me instead?” Jaemin pouts as he helps Jisung pack his textbooks into his bag. 

“What, so I can be the only dance major in a school of nerds like you?” Jisung replies cheekily, and Jeno giggles. 

The three of them are sitting on Jisung’s bedroom floor, surrounded by an assortment of pens and paper and highlighters. Jaemin is insisting that Jisung only takes what he needs in his pencil case, and Jeno is onlooking fondly as Jisung bickers back at him. 

When Jisung’s phone rings and his face lights up upon seeing who’s calling, the two hyungs share a knowing look before shuffling out of the room. 

“Are you ready yet? I’m about to leave the house.” Chenle’s voice pipes from the other side.

“Yeah, of course! I’m just leaving the house now too!” he replies in what he hopes is a very convincing tone, and glares at Jeno and Jaemin who are hiding snickers behind their sleeves. 

“Okay then, see you!”

“See you!”

As soon as he hangs up, he scrambles to pack up all his pens and shove them in his bag. After one last scan of the floor, he’s sure he’s got everything and makes a run for the door. 

“Ya! Jisung! Your ID card!” Jaemin yells as he’s got his hand on the doorknob.

Shit. 

He tiptoes back to the two boys, an embarrassed look on his face, and scratches the nape of his neck as he mumbles, “thank you,” and puts the card in his pocket.

Jaemin and Jeno take turns giving him hugs and wishing him good luck on his first day and after that, he’s on his way to the station. 

There’s a spring in his step, and he knows it. Every part of him is light, and it feels like he’s walking on thin air. 

Is this what love feels like?


	2. They Say It's Only A Matter Of Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll post chapter three as soon as i can

By the time autumn creeps in and the trees shift from their usual bright green to shades of auburn and gold, Jisung is one month into uni and two into Chenle.

The change in seasons sees the two boys grow closer than ever. Jisung can’t remember exactly when it was that he’d let Chenle enter his heart and make a home there, but he’s starting to think that maybe it’s because he’s been there all along. 

The two are inseparable now. The weather has gotten colder, and it’s given Chenle every excuse to put his hands in Jisung’s. He doesn’t mind. 

University is everything Jisung expected for it to be and more. He’s dancing more than he ever did before, which is saying something, and learning to choreograph for himself as well as other people. It makes him excited to wake up every morning, a stark contrast to life during his final year of high school. 

The workload is also more than he’s ever had, but it’s dance-related so he eats it up like it’s all he knows how to do. He’s fulfilled. He’s happy.

And Chenle is still by his side. 

By his side when they’re studying together in the library, by his side through the phone when he’s still the one to fall asleep first. 

Jisung hopes it’ll be like this for a long time.

If Chenle sees the world through numbers, Jisung sees it through shapes. Movements. Lines that illustrate time and space and everything in between. They complement each other like that.

He’s comfortable.

Jisung is on the train alone after Chenle reaches his stop. It’s July now, which means the temperature has halved since two months ago and his face feels like it’s about to fall off. It’s raining, too, blurring the windows and giving the train its own soundtrack to keep NCT 127 company. The scene is oddly nostalgic, and Jisung has to rack his mind wondering why before he realises it’s the same song and same rain that he listened to the spring before last, when Chenle was by his side for the for time. 

He thinks about how the train tracks run next to each other for miles and miles and miles. Wonders if in a parallel universe, fate would still bring him and Chenle together. 

They haven’t been talking as much as they used to.

But Chenle is still by his side. 

A week later they’re sitting side by side at a small, dark teahouse in the city. They’ve been here enough times to call it their second home. Jisung isn’t sure if Chenle feels like that anymore. 

But that’s what love is, right? 

Jisung knows the Chenle he met when he was seventeen was bright and bubbly and full of love. He knows he would poke fun at him at every given chance and hug him sideways whenever his arms felt too empty.

He wonders if his arms have stopped feeling empty, or if he’s not enough to fill them anymore. Wonders if he knows Chenle now.

They smile candidly as they share their highlights of the week, laughing sweetly and snacking on biscuits as they pretend everything’s the same.

It’s cold out, but Jisung feels cold in as well. 

Chenle sits close to him on the train back home, though, and Jisung shares his warmth. Resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder, Chenle looks up with an unreadable expression, not breaking eye contact. They’re not smiling anymore, just screaming in their own heads. 

What did I do wrong? 

What happened to us? 

“I’ve been really tired lately.” Chenle whispers, as if reading his mind. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jisung replies softly, pleading secretly.

Chenle shakes his head and buries his head in the curve of Jisung’s neck. 

It’ll get better. 

Winter begins to give way to spring when Chenle tells Jisung he wants to take a break.

They’re at the river again, and the sun is shining brighter than it should be. There’s no one else around, and it feels like they’re in a whole world of their own. 

It’s been days since things started feeling just not the same anymore, and Jisung doesn’t know if this is temporary, and they’ll go back to normal soon, or if Chenle is saying he wants to leave him for good. 

“I still care about you,” I know.

“But this is just dragging on,” It’s only been a year.

“I’m a bit tired of trying,” But we can make it work.

“I’ve enjoyed your company a lot, Jisung,” Then why are you leaving me behind?

“I still love you,” Do you really?

“Let’s not see each other for a while,” What did I do wrong?

Jisung doesn’t say a word. He stares holes into the ground while Chenle is speaking, avoiding eye contact, then looks straight at him when he stops. 

Chenle doesn’t look extremely sad, or extremely happy either. He doesn’t look like he feels guilty, or angry or anything at all. 

Maybe that’s why. 

After what feels like forever, Jisung breaks the silence and says,

“I’ll wait for you.”

Chenle doesn’t know how to string together a response to that, and Jisung doesn’t wait for one.

He takes the train home alone that day. 

It’s not raining. The sun shines stupidly bright and Jisung doesn’t even care that it’s reflecting obviously off the tears silently rolling down his cheeks. He’s alone on this carriage. Could be loud if he wanted to. But he doesn’t.

The trip is only forty-five minutes, but without Chenle it seems like hours. Is this how it’s supposed to feel? Is this how he’s supposed to feel? When Chenle was staring at him he felt nothing at all. 

Does he feel the same?

Jisung thinks fate is a lot like the parallel lines on a railway. They run next to each other for miles and miles and miles, through rain or shine. In winter or the spring. Fate brings you close with the ones you’re meant to be close to. It runs you through the heaven, the hell, of liking someone so much you think it just might be love. It throws you together with them, lets them hold your hand when you’re cold and hold your face when you cry. 

Fate lets your heart turn upside down for a person and leaves it there when they change your mind.

Jisung wonders if there’s a universe out there parallel to this one, in which the seasons change but Chenle stays by his side. Wonders what he could’ve done to keep it that way in this one. 

But in reality, trains don’t run and run and run forever. The world moves on and time goes past but at the end of the night the road will eventually come to an end. 

Fate and first loves work like this too. You can try and try and try but if the end comes and they don’t want you anymore, you just have to move on and brave through it and continue your life as it is.

But he’s not sure he knows how to do that anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> i know ten isn't the jumping really high kinda guy but i accidentally disassociated jeno and made chenle talk about him so i just had to replace his accidental cameo with another cameo if that makes sense. does it? no i don't think so. 
> 
> twt: https://twitter.com/dreamscng


End file.
